I am off to Argentina tomorrow for a week-long adventure. I will post my pictures, travel log, and any inspired essays upon my return. I feel really excited - it's been a year since my last international trip and I'm anticipating this time as a refreshing escape. I'm bringing several books that I hope to have mostly plowed through by the end of the journey. I am purposefully not bringing my laptop, as I want this to be a vacation from all my daily routines/activities. Commitment to internal exploration combined with immersion into an exotic culture usually bears rich fruit full of intense dreams, new perspectives, and renewed awe.
I am looking forward to my return almost as much as I am the trip itself....
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Growing Up With The Kings
The summer of 2004, after my sophomore year of college, was a liminal space between some semblance of reality and full-blown fantasy. I left Austin with a barely passing transcript and the final snubs of my pledge sisters and roommates to attend Victoria College for both summer sessions. I spent the next few months breezing through summer school while spending every free moment attached to a boy with whom I felt both valuable and worthless simultaneously. The fall semester, I would begin my official demise by privately withdrawing from life all-together while using every ounce of my energy to keep up an appearance of mind-blowing success. This ruse would consume my entire life for the next three years.
But back to the summer at hand: it was during this time that I became an avid listener of the band Kings of Leon. These Southern bad boys exuded all the glamor and excitement of living in the moment and chasing pleasures while giving little or no thought to the consequences. In other words, sacrificing tomorrow for the sake of today. This philosophy was comforting to me at the time; I was living in sheer terror of what the future held and used that fear to fuel my increasing recklessness and to rationalize my immoral behavior. With each step down the well-tread path of self-destruction, I thought, "Better live it up now, because next year you'll probably be on the streets."
After returning to Austin, I threw myself into another relationship with similar emotional benchmarks but ten times more destructive than the one in Victoria. If I was a sinking ship, he was drilling new holes in my flooring by the day. He too was a fan of the band, only far less passionate than I (I don't think he was really passionate about anything, come to think of it). Shortly after we began dating, he gifted me with tickets to a Kings concert.
Prior to attending, I read an article in which the band admitted that they had left their Christian roots behind in favor of the hard-partying life on the road. They also claimed to be headed straight to rehab once the tour was over. I remember my boyfriend laughing hysterically as I reported what I had read, but inside all I felt was deep sadness. Everything that the Kings had represented for me, everything useful for convincing myself that this path was OK, was leading them not to blissful abandon but rather to a Betty Ford clinic. These lies had already stopped working for them - how long before they failed me, too?
Now, fortunately, I never got into drugs or promiscuity. To this day I am not sure exactly why, since every other choice I made during that time was dedicated to killing my soul. The grace of God must have somehow kept some tiny seed of hope alive deep inside me to prevent any decisions that would have left deeper scars or lasting consequences. Still, the exaltation of personal pleasure and the omission of spirituality, responsibility, and meaningfulness served as creeds for both lifestyles.
I don't know if the boys from Tennessee ever did check into a rehab clinic or even found some deeper meaning in their lives, but I do see a dramatic change in their lyrics and overall sound. Previous albums, Youth and Young Manhood and Aha Shake Heartbreak were filled with good ol' Southern rock with a '70s vibe reminiscent of Creedance Clearwater Revival or Led Zeppelin. Then, with Because of the Times in 2007, a noticeable shift towards soulfulness and honesty began. This is also the year that I abandoned my boyfriend, my friends, my apartment and my lifestyle and committed to creating a similar shift within myself.
The Kings' most recent album, Only By The Night, is a far cry from their early work but also their most popular. However, it has received major criticism from early fans who would have preferred the band to remain true to their original sound. Comments such as "Not the Kings of Leon I fell in love with" and "Where is my wild, screaming, singing, panting, ranting, squealing Caleb?" abound on the iTunes reviews. Many long-time fans feel the band has lost integrity by allowing for more studio editing and pursuing new directions. The underriding tone of most of these reviews seems to really be "Who do you think you are?" or "You totally sold out!"
I can empathize with the Kings' quandary: how do you push yourself to grow and change while not angering those who saw you at the beginning? The answer, I have found, is that there are always going to be those who want to box you up. They want to say, "I know you. This is who you are, and if you ever claim to be anything different you are a fraud and a hypocrite." Sometimes this comes from their belief that no one can really change; this "belief" is usually just a tool to help them feel comfortable with their own lack of growth. Other times these people feel abandoned or even judged, and their accusations and scorn come from a place of defensiveness or hurt.
I personally find Only By the Night the most moving and compelling of the four, but I concede that this assessment may be clouded by my sentimentality for the synchronicity of the band's journey with my own. As I endeavor to grow and make choices that nurture soulfulness, honesty, and maturity, I at times think about what people from my past might think. "Who do you think you are?" is the incredulous, accusatory voice that comes to mind - one that I believe I have internalized over the years from these former "friends." It is hard to avoid the temptation to fit into the box people have designed for you. I applaud Kings of Leon for having the courage to break the mold, and I pray that I can do the same.
But back to the summer at hand: it was during this time that I became an avid listener of the band Kings of Leon. These Southern bad boys exuded all the glamor and excitement of living in the moment and chasing pleasures while giving little or no thought to the consequences. In other words, sacrificing tomorrow for the sake of today. This philosophy was comforting to me at the time; I was living in sheer terror of what the future held and used that fear to fuel my increasing recklessness and to rationalize my immoral behavior. With each step down the well-tread path of self-destruction, I thought, "Better live it up now, because next year you'll probably be on the streets."
After returning to Austin, I threw myself into another relationship with similar emotional benchmarks but ten times more destructive than the one in Victoria. If I was a sinking ship, he was drilling new holes in my flooring by the day. He too was a fan of the band, only far less passionate than I (I don't think he was really passionate about anything, come to think of it). Shortly after we began dating, he gifted me with tickets to a Kings concert.
Prior to attending, I read an article in which the band admitted that they had left their Christian roots behind in favor of the hard-partying life on the road. They also claimed to be headed straight to rehab once the tour was over. I remember my boyfriend laughing hysterically as I reported what I had read, but inside all I felt was deep sadness. Everything that the Kings had represented for me, everything useful for convincing myself that this path was OK, was leading them not to blissful abandon but rather to a Betty Ford clinic. These lies had already stopped working for them - how long before they failed me, too?
Now, fortunately, I never got into drugs or promiscuity. To this day I am not sure exactly why, since every other choice I made during that time was dedicated to killing my soul. The grace of God must have somehow kept some tiny seed of hope alive deep inside me to prevent any decisions that would have left deeper scars or lasting consequences. Still, the exaltation of personal pleasure and the omission of spirituality, responsibility, and meaningfulness served as creeds for both lifestyles.
I don't know if the boys from Tennessee ever did check into a rehab clinic or even found some deeper meaning in their lives, but I do see a dramatic change in their lyrics and overall sound. Previous albums, Youth and Young Manhood and Aha Shake Heartbreak were filled with good ol' Southern rock with a '70s vibe reminiscent of Creedance Clearwater Revival or Led Zeppelin. Then, with Because of the Times in 2007, a noticeable shift towards soulfulness and honesty began. This is also the year that I abandoned my boyfriend, my friends, my apartment and my lifestyle and committed to creating a similar shift within myself.
The Kings' most recent album, Only By The Night, is a far cry from their early work but also their most popular. However, it has received major criticism from early fans who would have preferred the band to remain true to their original sound. Comments such as "Not the Kings of Leon I fell in love with" and "Where is my wild, screaming, singing, panting, ranting, squealing Caleb?" abound on the iTunes reviews. Many long-time fans feel the band has lost integrity by allowing for more studio editing and pursuing new directions. The underriding tone of most of these reviews seems to really be "Who do you think you are?" or "You totally sold out!"
I can empathize with the Kings' quandary: how do you push yourself to grow and change while not angering those who saw you at the beginning? The answer, I have found, is that there are always going to be those who want to box you up. They want to say, "I know you. This is who you are, and if you ever claim to be anything different you are a fraud and a hypocrite." Sometimes this comes from their belief that no one can really change; this "belief" is usually just a tool to help them feel comfortable with their own lack of growth. Other times these people feel abandoned or even judged, and their accusations and scorn come from a place of defensiveness or hurt.
I personally find Only By the Night the most moving and compelling of the four, but I concede that this assessment may be clouded by my sentimentality for the synchronicity of the band's journey with my own. As I endeavor to grow and make choices that nurture soulfulness, honesty, and maturity, I at times think about what people from my past might think. "Who do you think you are?" is the incredulous, accusatory voice that comes to mind - one that I believe I have internalized over the years from these former "friends." It is hard to avoid the temptation to fit into the box people have designed for you. I applaud Kings of Leon for having the courage to break the mold, and I pray that I can do the same.
I'm Freaked Out
From http://www.drudgereport.com/flashaot.htm
ABC TURNS PROGRAMMING OVER TO OBAMA; NEWS TO BE ANCHORED FROM INSIDE WHITE HOUSE
Tue Jun 16 2009 08:45:10 ET
On the night of June 24, the media and government become one, when ABC turns its programming over to President Obama and White House officials to push government run health care -- a move that has ignited an ethical firestorm!
Highlights on the agenda:
ABCNEWS anchor Charlie Gibson will deliver WORLD NEWS from the Blue Room of the White House.
The network plans a primetime special -- 'Prescription for America' -- originating from the East Room, exclude opposing voices on the debate.
MORE
Late Monday night, Republican National Committee Chief of Staff Ken McKay fired off a complaint to the head of ABCNEWS:
Dear Mr. Westin:
As the national debate on health care reform intensifies, I am deeply concerned and disappointed with ABC's astonishing decision to exclude opposing voices on this critical issue on June 24, 2009. Next Wednesday, ABC News will air a primetime health care reform “town hall” at the White House with President Barack Obama. In addition, according to an ABC News report, GOOD MORNING AMERICA, WORLD NEWS, NIGHTLINE and ABC’s web news “will all feature special programming on the president’s health care agenda.” This does not include the promotion, over the next 9 days, the president’s health care agenda will receive on ABC News programming.
Today, the Republican National Committee requested an opportunity to add our Party's views to those of the President's to ensure that all sides of the health care reform debate are presented. Our request was rejected. I believe that the President should have the ability to speak directly to the America people. However, I find it outrageous that ABC would prohibit our Party's opposing thoughts and ideas from this national debate, which affects millions of ABC viewers.
In the absence of opposition, I am concerned this event will become a glorified infomercial to promote the Democrat agenda. If that is the case, this primetime infomercial should be paid for out of the DNC coffers. President Obama does not hold a monopoly on health care reform ideas or on free airtime. The President has stated time and time again that he wants a bipartisan debate. Therefore, the Republican Party should be included in this primetime event, or the DNC should pay for your airtime.
Respectfully,
Ken McKay
Republican National Committee
Chief of Staff
ABC TURNS PROGRAMMING OVER TO OBAMA; NEWS TO BE ANCHORED FROM INSIDE WHITE HOUSE
Tue Jun 16 2009 08:45:10 ET
On the night of June 24, the media and government become one, when ABC turns its programming over to President Obama and White House officials to push government run health care -- a move that has ignited an ethical firestorm!
Highlights on the agenda:
ABCNEWS anchor Charlie Gibson will deliver WORLD NEWS from the Blue Room of the White House.
The network plans a primetime special -- 'Prescription for America' -- originating from the East Room, exclude opposing voices on the debate.
MORE
Late Monday night, Republican National Committee Chief of Staff Ken McKay fired off a complaint to the head of ABCNEWS:
Dear Mr. Westin:
As the national debate on health care reform intensifies, I am deeply concerned and disappointed with ABC's astonishing decision to exclude opposing voices on this critical issue on June 24, 2009. Next Wednesday, ABC News will air a primetime health care reform “town hall” at the White House with President Barack Obama. In addition, according to an ABC News report, GOOD MORNING AMERICA, WORLD NEWS, NIGHTLINE and ABC’s web news “will all feature special programming on the president’s health care agenda.” This does not include the promotion, over the next 9 days, the president’s health care agenda will receive on ABC News programming.
Today, the Republican National Committee requested an opportunity to add our Party's views to those of the President's to ensure that all sides of the health care reform debate are presented. Our request was rejected. I believe that the President should have the ability to speak directly to the America people. However, I find it outrageous that ABC would prohibit our Party's opposing thoughts and ideas from this national debate, which affects millions of ABC viewers.
In the absence of opposition, I am concerned this event will become a glorified infomercial to promote the Democrat agenda. If that is the case, this primetime infomercial should be paid for out of the DNC coffers. President Obama does not hold a monopoly on health care reform ideas or on free airtime. The President has stated time and time again that he wants a bipartisan debate. Therefore, the Republican Party should be included in this primetime event, or the DNC should pay for your airtime.
Respectfully,
Ken McKay
Republican National Committee
Chief of Staff
Friday, June 12, 2009
D+A (6.12.09)
Jungian analyst Robert Moore talks about how the four archetypes of the Self (King/Queen, Warrior, Magician, Lover) are powerful, amoral, jealous and potent. It is important to stay vigilant of them so that they do not rule our lives from the shadows, which results in chaos and destruction. Rather, it is our responsibility to recognize what each brings to the table and how their energies can be both helpful and harmful in our quest to become fully integrated human beings. Each embodies qualities/abilities that are essential to acting appropriately and effectively at certain moments, so it is important to be able to access or "tap into" these archetypal energies when needed.
However, Moore warns that we must do so with great caution and respect for the strength of these forces. Each one wants to be your sole possessor. Therefore, if we are immersed in the energy of one archetype we become either ineffectual and one-dimensional or destructive and uncontrollable. It is the responsibility of the self (not the Self) to discern when each energy is needed and how to incorporate it judiciously.
As I've reflected on my own self, I see how areas of my life suffer due to my lack of integration of these archetypes. The Queen and the Warrior are the two weakest. I've been inviting the Warrior energy out of my subconscious for the past month and have noticed some improvements not only in my actions but in my thought patterns as well. It is becoming easier for me to make things happen, accomplish goals, and accept conflict.
During a related discussion with my parents last night, my father pointed out that my struggle with organization and self-criticism were evidence of a lack in Queen energy. Thus, as I fell asleep last night I attempted to summon her from the depths of my subconscious with the mantra "Your Highness, my Queen, show me who you are, bless me with your energy." Now, this sounds crazy, I know. I think it is important that I clarify that I was not thinking of this as a prayer so much as a psychological exercise; I do not view these archetypes as gods. I do, however, understand them as various facets of the one God and therefore feel it is important to address each with reverence. I then had the following dream:
It is summer time and I am going to visit a....friend? cousin? I am my current age, 25, in my current body but there is an innocence and purity about me that puts me more in the internal consciousness of a 12 or 13 year old from the 1940s or '50s. I arrive at this white house in the middle of a field in the deep south. The house is two stories and very plain and simple in structure. There is a medium-sized rectangular pool in the field next to the house with a small diving board at one end in the shadow of a massive oak tree. This tree is the only tree visible in the entire landscape.
The girl I am visiting is about 11 or 12 years old, with a scrawny figure, mousy brown hair and gray eyes. She lives with her father (or step-father?), who is emotionally removed or perhaps even abusive. I know he loves her but he is also afraid of her and therefore keeps her on a tight leash. I know that this girl has amazing magical powers. She is somewhat aware of these powers, but keeps them hidden from others and often from herself.
After I arrive, I put my bags in the third-story attic where I am to stay for the duration of my visit. There is a small cot by a tiny octagonal window that overlooks the pool. After unpacking I kneel on the cot and look out the window, where I see the girl in her bathing suit walking around the pool and looking into it. Her faceless father is lounging in a lawn chair nearby, watching her. I put on my suit and head down to join her. I want to get her to have fun and play with me, so I get onto the diving board and smile at her. I say "Watch this!" and do a swan dive into the pool. When I resurface, I encourage her to join me. She is shy and nervous, but she finally decides to venture in.
I then try to get her to play a game of tag, but she is so timid that it ends up just being me tagging her and swimming away while she giggles and I move in for another tag. Then we go underwater and a more reciprocal game ensues, the goal of which is for us to eventually kiss. She continues to resurface for air, but to my delight I discover that I do not need the oxygen. Once I realize that I can hold my breath interminably, I attempt to breath naturally underwater and find that I can not only do that but also talk and sing and walk and glide with ease. I know that the girl is able to do this as well, she just doesn't realize it. I am trying to show her, but she continues to go up for air. Every time I get close enough for us to kiss, she impishly grins at me and returns to the surface.
Now it is night and I am up in my attic room. A gentleman caller arrives at the house to see the girl. He is around her father's age, and I know that this rendezvous is arranged by her father as a way of keeping her unaware of her power or unable to access it. I don't know what exactly is going to go on between the girl and this man, but I know that it is sinister and is another form of this girl's enslavement. I think to myself how sad her situation is. I know that if I can get her away from this I can make her see her potential and the incredible power she holds. As I resolve to do something about it, something to rescue this girl from her predicament, I wake up.
Interpretation to follow, after further reflection...
However, Moore warns that we must do so with great caution and respect for the strength of these forces. Each one wants to be your sole possessor. Therefore, if we are immersed in the energy of one archetype we become either ineffectual and one-dimensional or destructive and uncontrollable. It is the responsibility of the self (not the Self) to discern when each energy is needed and how to incorporate it judiciously.
As I've reflected on my own self, I see how areas of my life suffer due to my lack of integration of these archetypes. The Queen and the Warrior are the two weakest. I've been inviting the Warrior energy out of my subconscious for the past month and have noticed some improvements not only in my actions but in my thought patterns as well. It is becoming easier for me to make things happen, accomplish goals, and accept conflict.
During a related discussion with my parents last night, my father pointed out that my struggle with organization and self-criticism were evidence of a lack in Queen energy. Thus, as I fell asleep last night I attempted to summon her from the depths of my subconscious with the mantra "Your Highness, my Queen, show me who you are, bless me with your energy." Now, this sounds crazy, I know. I think it is important that I clarify that I was not thinking of this as a prayer so much as a psychological exercise; I do not view these archetypes as gods. I do, however, understand them as various facets of the one God and therefore feel it is important to address each with reverence. I then had the following dream:
It is summer time and I am going to visit a....friend? cousin? I am my current age, 25, in my current body but there is an innocence and purity about me that puts me more in the internal consciousness of a 12 or 13 year old from the 1940s or '50s. I arrive at this white house in the middle of a field in the deep south. The house is two stories and very plain and simple in structure. There is a medium-sized rectangular pool in the field next to the house with a small diving board at one end in the shadow of a massive oak tree. This tree is the only tree visible in the entire landscape.
The girl I am visiting is about 11 or 12 years old, with a scrawny figure, mousy brown hair and gray eyes. She lives with her father (or step-father?), who is emotionally removed or perhaps even abusive. I know he loves her but he is also afraid of her and therefore keeps her on a tight leash. I know that this girl has amazing magical powers. She is somewhat aware of these powers, but keeps them hidden from others and often from herself.
After I arrive, I put my bags in the third-story attic where I am to stay for the duration of my visit. There is a small cot by a tiny octagonal window that overlooks the pool. After unpacking I kneel on the cot and look out the window, where I see the girl in her bathing suit walking around the pool and looking into it. Her faceless father is lounging in a lawn chair nearby, watching her. I put on my suit and head down to join her. I want to get her to have fun and play with me, so I get onto the diving board and smile at her. I say "Watch this!" and do a swan dive into the pool. When I resurface, I encourage her to join me. She is shy and nervous, but she finally decides to venture in.
I then try to get her to play a game of tag, but she is so timid that it ends up just being me tagging her and swimming away while she giggles and I move in for another tag. Then we go underwater and a more reciprocal game ensues, the goal of which is for us to eventually kiss. She continues to resurface for air, but to my delight I discover that I do not need the oxygen. Once I realize that I can hold my breath interminably, I attempt to breath naturally underwater and find that I can not only do that but also talk and sing and walk and glide with ease. I know that the girl is able to do this as well, she just doesn't realize it. I am trying to show her, but she continues to go up for air. Every time I get close enough for us to kiss, she impishly grins at me and returns to the surface.
Now it is night and I am up in my attic room. A gentleman caller arrives at the house to see the girl. He is around her father's age, and I know that this rendezvous is arranged by her father as a way of keeping her unaware of her power or unable to access it. I don't know what exactly is going to go on between the girl and this man, but I know that it is sinister and is another form of this girl's enslavement. I think to myself how sad her situation is. I know that if I can get her away from this I can make her see her potential and the incredible power she holds. As I resolve to do something about it, something to rescue this girl from her predicament, I wake up.
Interpretation to follow, after further reflection...
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
D+A (6.2.09)
I am with my mom and we are on this mystical planet. It almost feels like something out of Super Mario Bros; things are so surreal. We are on a mission to get...somewhere...so we can do/be....something. We arrive at this strange land by crawling out of a dark, damp cave in the side of a mountain island in the middle of the ocean. As we emerge, we have a view of deep blue water that stretches as far as the eye can see. The sky is vibrant and bright, the sun is shining, the clouds are fluffy and almost blindingly white. The temperature of the atmosphere is so perfect it almost feels like an embrace.
There is much commotion in the water, with strange, cartoonish creatures swimming about and gigantic antique ships sailing to and fro. Some of the ships are run by pirates, which is evident by the black and white skull and crossbones flag billowing in the breeze and the giant puffs from cannons firing at neighboring ships. This does not seem disturbing or scary, however. On the contrary, the entire energy of this scenario is upbeat and almost jovial. The pirates are simply seen as doing what pirates do, fulfilling their pirate duties and performing their assigned role in the grand scheme of things. The world is operating in perfect working order.
My mom and I know that we have to swim across this water to get...wherever it is we are going. She warns me, right after I slip into the water, that the "fish" are going to swim up to me and that this cannot be avoided. Nobody can swim through this water without the "fish" knowing and it is important that I do not try to get away from them or fight them off. Furthermore, it is vital that I let them get as close to me as they want and even touch me or bump against me if that is their wish. As my mother imparts this information I begin to panic slightly and have to fight the urge to turn back. I don't want any slimy creature touching me! But it's too late - I see the ripples in the water as the school approaches me. My mom calls out "here they come already!" She does not share my apprehension; she seems indifferent or almost welcoming to their presence. Once they reach me I feel their slithery, slimy bodies weaving between my legs and their flat heads bumping against my hips. Then their heads start rising out of the water and I see that these are not "fish" but rather gigantic eels with silvery razor-sharp teeth 3 to 4 inches long protruding from their mouths. They swim up to my face, shrieking and snapping and head-butting. My mother is still swimming behind me, ultimately unconcerned and even amused by my predicament. She knows I am panicking and continues to instruct me not to fight them off or show any aggression, fear, or disgust. I must remain calm and let them do their job. We continue swimming toward one of the massive ships and eventually the eels subside and we reach....our destination. I don't know/remember what or where it was, but it was a cozy, cushiony place in plush shades of purple. I do know that it felt like a middle ground. A resting place but not our ultimate destination. Our journey was just beginning.
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